Auld Lang Syne

Its New Year's Eve' 2008 - 2009.

I'm headed to the Carlisle Theater, to give Mountainside Audio a helping hand.

Then, its on to the Zen Center, for the New Year's Eve' liturgy.

Then, I'm off to Tove's place for a little get-together, and some much needed hellos.

After that, I have to head to Dan and Anthony's place to give a "gift" to them.

Finally, its back to Jordan and Rach's to celebrate, and welcome in the new year 2009.

:)

A long day, but a good one.


Much love,

Rob

Tick, tick, tick. He takes another drag on his cigarette.

Standing outside the coffeeshop, under a lamp with all the other cigarette smokers, he realizes he's killing his body. He hates the habit, and sees that it has become just that. Something we just "do" without thinking about what it is we're doing.

The smoke hits his nostrils, and a young woman, a bit pudgy, brunette and very pretty, warns, "It's a little chilly out here, isn't it chief?"

"A little. Do you ever think about why you're doing what you're doing right now?"

"What do you mean?"

*******



We have habits. Little ticks that drive our actions. Its like clock-work. Even though we realize that the habit has become obsolete and useless, we continue to do it.

Its hard to change. Sometimes, extremely hard to change. My own weed-smoking habit had become more of a habit in the most recent times. I would go out, take a drive and smoke a joint, just because it was a normal day for me. Its what I did.

Things like bitching at people in traffic, even though you know they can't do a THING about going any fast. They think they're being safe. You think they're being ridiculous.

So much in this world is conflicting. And its important just to realize even that. Just knowing makes it a lot easier.


Another tiny tiny tiny little inkdot of insight. I saw the cars today. A lot were alike. A lot were different.


Much love,

Rob

We're off to see the wizard...

The wonderful wizard of...

Nevermind.


I'm thinking, this morning, about Jordan's inner-fighter comment to me on Christmas day. I was feeling pretty gone. Not gone in the sense of 'high' or 'drunk.' Gone in the sense that I've been single for far too long, and I was drowning in that unfortunate reality.

I decided to post my New Year's Resolution for 2009 on facebook:

I will not be bothered with women who don't know how to return messages.


It was more a comment, and plea, for self-respect that I haven't had in years' past. I don't know how to have self-respect or -esteem. I've always been a loner, studying the Dharma and falling into my own interests -- intentionally leaving everyone out!

There have been times that I've been in these loose relationships with women, where they don't return my messages. No texts, emails, phone calls, whatever they may be. And that's fine, but you won't get a whole lot of respect from this guy anymore. It doesn't take but a minute to reply "busy" or "fuck off." Its very simple, in fact.

It was also a comment made to let the world know that I'm not playing games any longer. I don't feel the need to have casual sex. I don't feel the need to have loose relationships with women that are going everywhere but forward. I'm DONE with that. If you want to date me, you should probably know that I'm not looking forward to just a once-and-done.


There have been too many times in years' past that I didn't know how to handle myself in situations like those. There have been times that I felt awkward around women, because I didn't have any self-esteem. There have been times that I didn't know how to say "no" to women.

It's over.

It's time for a little self-respect and self-understanding.


Much love,

Rob

Is it wrong of me to be jealous?

My two best friends got engaged today, on Christmas Eve'.

I've been a gentleman for as long as I can remember. I've always strived to be the nice guy that women would like, not realizing that most women want an asshole. They want someone they can fix.

I'm already trained.

I've got a prospective someone I've been talking with again, recently. She's all I could ask for. Here's hoping that things work out -- if they ever get started.


Much love,

Rob

Gigantic withdrawal, akin to a shark with a party hat on its head.

Hi folks.

Its been months and months since I've posted on here, and its about time I get back to it, yeah?

My creativity has waned, but my desire to "say something about it" is still alive and strong.


I quit smoking weed about a week ago now, and its been pretty difficult. Yet, not so difficult as today. I'm feeling some fairly extreme withdrawal symptoms, companied with the possibility of having found my muse...my soul-mate. And, sadly, its like running toward one of those people you see in your dreams that you can't run fast enough to get to!

Now, on to why I quit. A couple weeks ago I had a pretty sudden pang of desire to practice Vajrayana Buddhism again. Its pretty strong, as I had a couple realizations while doing meditation and studying the different traditions within its hallowed walls. The reason this led me to quit, is because of the five Pratimoksha vows.

They are:

1) Refrain from killing.
2) Refrain from stealing.
3) Refrain from false speech.
4) Refrain from sexual misconduct.
5) Refrain from intoxicants.

So, there are several types of ways to keep these vows. There are the folks who can keep all of them, the folks who don't keep just one vow, the folks who can't keep 2 or 3, and the folks who can't keep any of them but still vow to take refuge in the three jewels for life.

By smoking weed, I would be violating at LEAST two of these, and very possibly three. I would be taking intoxicants by smoking cannabis. And by smoking cannabis, I am creating some sort of false speech with those around me. I would lie to my parents about the stuff, and some of the folks who really admire me. If the shit was legal, then it wouldn't be such a problem...but its not.

Don't forget...sexual arousal feels REALLY great when you're high.


While I haven't taken the five Pratimoksha vows, it is still extremely beneficial for your practice to keep them. Your mind tends to be more at peace when you're "following the rules."



And, as a being with some form of withdrawal would do, I've been trying to reason with myself so that I can continue to smoke weed. I've been asking other Buddhists what they would do, and how they feel about it. What traditions might allow such a thing. (Even though I consider myself a Nyingma Tibetan Buddhist, my mind tends to go toward the tradition with the most PLEASURE.)

Basically, how can I get AROUND the rule. And simply put, if I want to take the path I'm taking, then there is no way to get AROUND it.


So, I made sure I talked with Dan and Anthony first. Of course, we philosophized about you do what makes you happy, and at peace with those around you...THAT is enlightenment. However, that just doesn't cut it for me. There is something deeper to the mind. Some spirit...some higher, deeper, creative purpose within the depths of the mind that I wouldn't be able to find if I was just mundanely "happy" with the world.

I would be fooling myself -- which I WAS content with for a while.


I should stop. This is a long post. More later.

---Rob

The Dreadlocks of Jah

I remember saying a long time ago that I never really wanted to be famous. Gee, what a crock. Everything I've done thus far has been geared toward becoming famous. Famous, though, in the sense that I want to love and be loved by everyone. That really came from a flawed perception of reality.

Now, in the process of a soul revamp, I am opening my mind to a lot more than what I've already seen. I used to think books and coffeeshops were the things that could help me escape from a mundane reality. But these views really change, don't they?

That's what really made me want to be a writer. I wanted to be loved by everyone, and for people to recognize my name. This really isn't possible. There are a million writers in the world, and there are only a handful of authors, that I can name anyway, that are truly famous.

Well, I'm rambling now, and will get to the point. Wineries. I could be part of these companies. This would help me to travel around the world, and learn about different cultures. It's time that I take a little bit of time off so that I can work at a winery. Wouldn't that be interesting? Maybe as a seasonal worker for a short time...then moving on from there.

Scenario (like the job):

Stay at the winery, and seek more schooling on the subject. God knows I don't know a damn thing about wine now, and I would only be a cellar rat.

Scenario (don't like the job):

I can come back home after my seasonal work at the winery. No big deal. Move on, and look for more undiscovered work.

Input would be cool, but I suppose this might be more of a lone soul's journey.

---Rob

Shiva is a bum that lives on the corner of 2nd and Reilly

At 13, meditation.

At 14, Buddhist.

At 18, Monkhood.

At 20, Hindu.

At 21, Disechanted.

I did everything I could do within all of these cultures.

Unfortunately, the monks even let me teach a little bit.

Sad.

I shouldn't have.

Religion has become demystified for me. now there is only death and the world...and lung cancer.

No, I don't have cancer.

But my soul does.

God.

Dear God.

Why have you been lying to me all these years? It's funny now that I see your existence as just a concept.

By the practices that you've given to this world, I've come to understand the meaninglessness of your existence.

Nil.

Nothing.

And as I raise the cigar of victory to my dry, chapped lips I can see my own existence is just such a concept.

Cannabis-Sativa-flavored incense-butter.

Friends, like everything else, come and go like the wind.

My long-time friend Jordan and I have been hanging out ever since the 8th grade. I’ve never had any huge problem with him. I call him a ‘dick,’ and I get it right back. No big deal. Then we sit and watch a stupid movie.

The problem was, they were always war movies. War movies. War movies. Moo.

He recently found himself a lady friend, and I am definitely happy for him. They work and live so well together. Almost too well. So well that every time I go over there, they’re cuddling up with the TV off.

I remember last week, when we were going to meet one of her friends while she was working. I walked into the house – the usual home base – and again, the TV was off. I decided to have a seat, and turn it on, attempting to ignore the spooning action going on beside me. He decided that this was not okay for him, and he turned it off, and went back to her. My inner time-bomb exploded. This is becoming normal for me…probably because I’ve just had enough of ‘the usual.’

I won’t tell you what happened afterward, but you can feel my annoyance, I’m sure.


Thus, I’ve moved on.


Last weekend, I went to hang out with a buddy I knew since Kindergarten. A good kid, with an open mind, who dropped out of school in 10th grade. I missed him when he left. It was too bad, really. So, he came into the driveway like a fricken idiot – which is okay, as my driving habits are similar. We went downstairs and listened to some good music – Boards of Canada, Amon Tobin, and others – and watched a really funny horror movie called “Planet Terror.”

It would take me a hundred pages to expand, as my writing experience is nil, so I’ll get to my point.

I know I will quickly tire of this friendship, and things will move on. I can’t wait to get out of Central Pennsylvania.


Good to hear from you folks.

Can't wait to start forming this circle of blogger-friends.

I prefer my coffee with cat piss...

Let me tell you about my very odd weekend, and pissy day today (which has become the norm for me.)

This weekend I read an article in Esquire about a man who tried smoking for five weeks. He didn't enjoy it, but had always wondered what the experience was like. I decided to follow suit. So, I drove to my local Hess gas station for a pack of small cigars. I opened one up, and gave her a light. Didn't smell too bad, as I was used to various smokes that my grandmother would have around me. ...I didn't inhale.
Next I tried Swisher Sweets. They're actually very nice. The filter has a sweet taste to it, but doesn't add to the smell or taste of the smoke. They're okay. Again...I didn't inhale.
I had some idea in my mind -- a fantasy -- that lead me up to this point. I imagine myself, standing with all the other smokers, and talking about eachother's life stories. It's okay with me I don't mind the idea of smoking so much. What does bother me is that there is a suspicion that the smoke from these things can cause cessation of the olfactory nerves. I won't smoke these as often as I thought I might. I can't NOT smell things.

Now...to today's bitch-fest. Things were fine up until the end. Then some man came in to the credit union. Blue SUV, short hair cut, password on his account. You must get the idea here. I ask him how he's doing, and get a reply something to the effect of, "I need a pen." Alright, ya bastard, here it is.
My insides explode, and everyone else notices it -- including my new best buddy teller. She gives me some comfort in the fact that I'm right (which I know is bullshit). My long-time annoyance with the redneck lifestyle is coming to its pique. I need to move on and out...

Plans for the future:
1) Go to college (not in redneck region)
2) Get writing degree, and some much-needed talent (not in redneck region)
3) Live in a more progressive region (not in...you get the point)


Alright

/end rant

Pseudo-Intellectual Coffee Drinkers...

...like myself.

Yeah, I'll admit it. Part of the reason that I started coming to coffee houses was to get a feel for the culture. I wanted to be part of the seemingly intense atmosphere of learning, knowing, and caffeine that surrounded everyone there.

But then again...I didn't try to act like I already knew it.

Am I being too picky here?

I came into Cornerstone, here, today at around 2:30 PM. It's a crappy looking day outside, and a nicer looking day inside my mind (where I ride my motorcycle for 24 hours straight, and then write for 6 hours afterward). Since there were no available spots left to sit, I decided to take the comfy chair at the far end from the door. I began to work on a few journal entries -- responses to articles in Esquire -- when a guy, that looked to be about 23, came in.

He pulled out his iPod and new Dell laptop (as I am now typing on), and put in his earbuds. He was fine for a bit. Didn't bother anyone at all. Then, he pulled out the cell phone. The goddamn cell phone. Was that necessary, man?

It wasn't the fact that he had the cell phone out. But more the fact that he was talking so loud to his 'buddy' on the other end about how his only unending thoughts on suicide, and how he wanted to commit the heinous act.

After that lengthy conversation, he continued to listen to his muic -- which, thankfully, I couldn't hear. The only point at which I could hear it was when he was singing it, himself. The louder whispers were quite obviously meant for everyone else in the cafe to hear. Too bad he wasn't a good singer.

Oh well.



I'm talking too much. Allow me to step away from the soapbox.



Have a good day, folks.