Its New Year's Eve' 2008 - 2009.
I'm headed to the Carlisle Theater, to give Mountainside Audio a helping hand.
Then, its on to the Zen Center, for the New Year's Eve' liturgy.
Then, I'm off to Tove's place for a little get-together, and some much needed hellos.
After that, I have to head to Dan and Anthony's place to give a "gift" to them.
Finally, its back to Jordan and Rach's to celebrate, and welcome in the new year 2009.
:)
A long day, but a good one.
Much love,
Rob
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
Tick, tick, tick. He takes another drag on his cigarette.
Standing outside the coffeeshop, under a lamp with all the other cigarette smokers, he realizes he's killing his body. He hates the habit, and sees that it has become just that. Something we just "do" without thinking about what it is we're doing.
The smoke hits his nostrils, and a young woman, a bit pudgy, brunette and very pretty, warns, "It's a little chilly out here, isn't it chief?"
"A little. Do you ever think about why you're doing what you're doing right now?"
"What do you mean?"
*******
We have habits. Little ticks that drive our actions. Its like clock-work. Even though we realize that the habit has become obsolete and useless, we continue to do it.
Its hard to change. Sometimes, extremely hard to change. My own weed-smoking habit had become more of a habit in the most recent times. I would go out, take a drive and smoke a joint, just because it was a normal day for me. Its what I did.
Things like bitching at people in traffic, even though you know they can't do a THING about going any fast. They think they're being safe. You think they're being ridiculous.
So much in this world is conflicting. And its important just to realize even that. Just knowing makes it a lot easier.
Another tiny tiny tiny little inkdot of insight. I saw the cars today. A lot were alike. A lot were different.
Much love,
Rob
The smoke hits his nostrils, and a young woman, a bit pudgy, brunette and very pretty, warns, "It's a little chilly out here, isn't it chief?"
"A little. Do you ever think about why you're doing what you're doing right now?"
"What do you mean?"
*******
We have habits. Little ticks that drive our actions. Its like clock-work. Even though we realize that the habit has become obsolete and useless, we continue to do it.
Its hard to change. Sometimes, extremely hard to change. My own weed-smoking habit had become more of a habit in the most recent times. I would go out, take a drive and smoke a joint, just because it was a normal day for me. Its what I did.
Things like bitching at people in traffic, even though you know they can't do a THING about going any fast. They think they're being safe. You think they're being ridiculous.
So much in this world is conflicting. And its important just to realize even that. Just knowing makes it a lot easier.
Another tiny tiny tiny little inkdot of insight. I saw the cars today. A lot were alike. A lot were different.
Much love,
Rob
Saturday, December 27, 2008
We're off to see the wizard...
The wonderful wizard of...
Nevermind.
I'm thinking, this morning, about Jordan's inner-fighter comment to me on Christmas day. I was feeling pretty gone. Not gone in the sense of 'high' or 'drunk.' Gone in the sense that I've been single for far too long, and I was drowning in that unfortunate reality.
I decided to post my New Year's Resolution for 2009 on facebook:
I will not be bothered with women who don't know how to return messages.
It was more a comment, and plea, for self-respect that I haven't had in years' past. I don't know how to have self-respect or -esteem. I've always been a loner, studying the Dharma and falling into my own interests -- intentionally leaving everyone out!
There have been times that I've been in these loose relationships with women, where they don't return my messages. No texts, emails, phone calls, whatever they may be. And that's fine, but you won't get a whole lot of respect from this guy anymore. It doesn't take but a minute to reply "busy" or "fuck off." Its very simple, in fact.
It was also a comment made to let the world know that I'm not playing games any longer. I don't feel the need to have casual sex. I don't feel the need to have loose relationships with women that are going everywhere but forward. I'm DONE with that. If you want to date me, you should probably know that I'm not looking forward to just a once-and-done.
There have been too many times in years' past that I didn't know how to handle myself in situations like those. There have been times that I felt awkward around women, because I didn't have any self-esteem. There have been times that I didn't know how to say "no" to women.
It's over.
It's time for a little self-respect and self-understanding.
Much love,
Rob
Nevermind.
I'm thinking, this morning, about Jordan's inner-fighter comment to me on Christmas day. I was feeling pretty gone. Not gone in the sense of 'high' or 'drunk.' Gone in the sense that I've been single for far too long, and I was drowning in that unfortunate reality.
I decided to post my New Year's Resolution for 2009 on facebook:
I will not be bothered with women who don't know how to return messages.
It was more a comment, and plea, for self-respect that I haven't had in years' past. I don't know how to have self-respect or -esteem. I've always been a loner, studying the Dharma and falling into my own interests -- intentionally leaving everyone out!
There have been times that I've been in these loose relationships with women, where they don't return my messages. No texts, emails, phone calls, whatever they may be. And that's fine, but you won't get a whole lot of respect from this guy anymore. It doesn't take but a minute to reply "busy" or "fuck off." Its very simple, in fact.
It was also a comment made to let the world know that I'm not playing games any longer. I don't feel the need to have casual sex. I don't feel the need to have loose relationships with women that are going everywhere but forward. I'm DONE with that. If you want to date me, you should probably know that I'm not looking forward to just a once-and-done.
There have been too many times in years' past that I didn't know how to handle myself in situations like those. There have been times that I felt awkward around women, because I didn't have any self-esteem. There have been times that I didn't know how to say "no" to women.
It's over.
It's time for a little self-respect and self-understanding.
Much love,
Rob
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Is it wrong of me to be jealous?
My two best friends got engaged today, on Christmas Eve'.
I've been a gentleman for as long as I can remember. I've always strived to be the nice guy that women would like, not realizing that most women want an asshole. They want someone they can fix.
I'm already trained.
I've got a prospective someone I've been talking with again, recently. She's all I could ask for. Here's hoping that things work out -- if they ever get started.
Much love,
Rob
I've been a gentleman for as long as I can remember. I've always strived to be the nice guy that women would like, not realizing that most women want an asshole. They want someone they can fix.
I'm already trained.
I've got a prospective someone I've been talking with again, recently. She's all I could ask for. Here's hoping that things work out -- if they ever get started.
Much love,
Rob
Monday, December 22, 2008
Gigantic withdrawal, akin to a shark with a party hat on its head.
Hi folks.
Its been months and months since I've posted on here, and its about time I get back to it, yeah?
My creativity has waned, but my desire to "say something about it" is still alive and strong.
I quit smoking weed about a week ago now, and its been pretty difficult. Yet, not so difficult as today. I'm feeling some fairly extreme withdrawal symptoms, companied with the possibility of having found my muse...my soul-mate. And, sadly, its like running toward one of those people you see in your dreams that you can't run fast enough to get to!
Now, on to why I quit. A couple weeks ago I had a pretty sudden pang of desire to practice Vajrayana Buddhism again. Its pretty strong, as I had a couple realizations while doing meditation and studying the different traditions within its hallowed walls. The reason this led me to quit, is because of the five Pratimoksha vows.
They are:
1) Refrain from killing.
2) Refrain from stealing.
3) Refrain from false speech.
4) Refrain from sexual misconduct.
5) Refrain from intoxicants.
So, there are several types of ways to keep these vows. There are the folks who can keep all of them, the folks who don't keep just one vow, the folks who can't keep 2 or 3, and the folks who can't keep any of them but still vow to take refuge in the three jewels for life.
By smoking weed, I would be violating at LEAST two of these, and very possibly three. I would be taking intoxicants by smoking cannabis. And by smoking cannabis, I am creating some sort of false speech with those around me. I would lie to my parents about the stuff, and some of the folks who really admire me. If the shit was legal, then it wouldn't be such a problem...but its not.
Don't forget...sexual arousal feels REALLY great when you're high.
While I haven't taken the five Pratimoksha vows, it is still extremely beneficial for your practice to keep them. Your mind tends to be more at peace when you're "following the rules."
And, as a being with some form of withdrawal would do, I've been trying to reason with myself so that I can continue to smoke weed. I've been asking other Buddhists what they would do, and how they feel about it. What traditions might allow such a thing. (Even though I consider myself a Nyingma Tibetan Buddhist, my mind tends to go toward the tradition with the most PLEASURE.)
Basically, how can I get AROUND the rule. And simply put, if I want to take the path I'm taking, then there is no way to get AROUND it.
So, I made sure I talked with Dan and Anthony first. Of course, we philosophized about you do what makes you happy, and at peace with those around you...THAT is enlightenment. However, that just doesn't cut it for me. There is something deeper to the mind. Some spirit...some higher, deeper, creative purpose within the depths of the mind that I wouldn't be able to find if I was just mundanely "happy" with the world.
I would be fooling myself -- which I WAS content with for a while.
I should stop. This is a long post. More later.
---Rob
Its been months and months since I've posted on here, and its about time I get back to it, yeah?
My creativity has waned, but my desire to "say something about it" is still alive and strong.
I quit smoking weed about a week ago now, and its been pretty difficult. Yet, not so difficult as today. I'm feeling some fairly extreme withdrawal symptoms, companied with the possibility of having found my muse...my soul-mate. And, sadly, its like running toward one of those people you see in your dreams that you can't run fast enough to get to!
Now, on to why I quit. A couple weeks ago I had a pretty sudden pang of desire to practice Vajrayana Buddhism again. Its pretty strong, as I had a couple realizations while doing meditation and studying the different traditions within its hallowed walls. The reason this led me to quit, is because of the five Pratimoksha vows.
They are:
1) Refrain from killing.
2) Refrain from stealing.
3) Refrain from false speech.
4) Refrain from sexual misconduct.
5) Refrain from intoxicants.
So, there are several types of ways to keep these vows. There are the folks who can keep all of them, the folks who don't keep just one vow, the folks who can't keep 2 or 3, and the folks who can't keep any of them but still vow to take refuge in the three jewels for life.
By smoking weed, I would be violating at LEAST two of these, and very possibly three. I would be taking intoxicants by smoking cannabis. And by smoking cannabis, I am creating some sort of false speech with those around me. I would lie to my parents about the stuff, and some of the folks who really admire me. If the shit was legal, then it wouldn't be such a problem...but its not.
Don't forget...sexual arousal feels REALLY great when you're high.
While I haven't taken the five Pratimoksha vows, it is still extremely beneficial for your practice to keep them. Your mind tends to be more at peace when you're "following the rules."
And, as a being with some form of withdrawal would do, I've been trying to reason with myself so that I can continue to smoke weed. I've been asking other Buddhists what they would do, and how they feel about it. What traditions might allow such a thing. (Even though I consider myself a Nyingma Tibetan Buddhist, my mind tends to go toward the tradition with the most PLEASURE.)
Basically, how can I get AROUND the rule. And simply put, if I want to take the path I'm taking, then there is no way to get AROUND it.
So, I made sure I talked with Dan and Anthony first. Of course, we philosophized about you do what makes you happy, and at peace with those around you...THAT is enlightenment. However, that just doesn't cut it for me. There is something deeper to the mind. Some spirit...some higher, deeper, creative purpose within the depths of the mind that I wouldn't be able to find if I was just mundanely "happy" with the world.
I would be fooling myself -- which I WAS content with for a while.
I should stop. This is a long post. More later.
---Rob
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